flowers.in.the.window.
Welcome Note

Ghost - Howie Day

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Lately I've been thinking. Lately I've been dreaming with you. I'm so resistant to this type of thinking. Oh, now it's shining through. I was alone for the last time. Before my night's vacation with you. Alive from the first. Now I'm denied by the ghost of you.

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me. Please...

I know there's little use in crying. It's more wide awake and dying then I'm used to. I thought we'd walk these streets together. Now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you. Step aside from all this anger. And somewhere in between I can feel you. Ask me should we try again. I'm thinking no. Y'know, it's not what I believe in. It's not what I believe in.

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me. Please...You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me. Please.

No I, wanna taste you, love. No I...no I... No I, just wanna taste you, love.

Standing in your shoes. I turn and now. You're standing bare in my doorway. I only wish that I had been prepared. I'm gonna have to go along with your way. Just take the plastic camera out. It's the pants you borrowed in the driveway.

Alive from the first. Now I'm denied by the ghost of you.

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11:33 AM

The women in life

Sunday, August 12, 2007

A recent event in my office stirred up some recollections that I've constantly struggled to keep at the back of my mind. My collegue's national day getaway with his girlfriend ended in a really low note cos they just found out that her father was having an affair and her mom is contemplating divorce but at the same time hesitating in fear of losing the kids.


I felt bad for the lady but what I heard is nothing new. I grew up hearing all these crap. Adultery, scandals, falling out of love, money, and many many divorce. At the age of 11, I witnessed a pregnant women who is close to me attempt sucide due to her husband's constant infidelity. Her downcast, sobbing face is still vivid in my memory. By the end of primary school, I knew very much that marriage was far from a fairy tale. Through my secondary school years, I saw how a man would deceive and even delude women into marriage just for money and to fulfill his lust. I bumped into him recently at a store, and I recognized immediately who he was. Not at all to my surprise, he was with another woman. There's plenty of other stories that I can go on about...the wife beater, the one who secretly married, etc.


I saw the women in my life getting hurt over and over. Maybe that's the reason why I am close to them. Their misfortunes are also mine, like a ripple effect. For a long time, the only way I saw marriage was it ending in a divorce. I'm not fearful of commitment. I'm more afraid that it'll be short-lived. And, I fear marriage because it's one huge risk, a gamble with unimaginable consequences. Marriage is not just about the nice, white dress or the 10-course dinner. It's about complete trust to your spouse and tons of work.

Despite everything, I do want to take that gamble one day.Airil has taught me so much about myself for the last 2 years and he brings so much joy to my life. He helped me believe that I can have a lasting relationship too just like my parents. I'm very thankful for all that I have, my loving parents, my sister, my friends and him.

As I approached adulthood in less than a month, I carry with me all the life experiences from my past. I have come to a realization that sometimes, the only person you can rely on is yourself. Those you thought were closest can turn their backs on you. I have to stand on my own two feet.

9:07 PM